The Toolbox

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There’s a common thread that runs through the lives of people I see who suffer from sickness and disease.


There’s two types of trauma. Passive trauma – this is the worst kind. And Aggressive trauma, the more obvious type. Passive trauma is emotional, you can’t see the bruises. Sometimes it’s not what you think. People who suffer from passive trauma don’t even know it exists. My higher self told me about it during a walking meditation this morning. I’ve never heard of it before, have you? That’s a philosophical question by the way.

We’re all traumatised on some level. If fact, trauma runs through every person who has ever been sick. If you’ve had a cold or flu then you’ve experienced some level of trauma caused by a stress event leading up to that illness.

But where do BIG traumas come from?

It comes from our parents and or the authority figures in our lives. It doesn’t matter how wonderful your parents were or are, the bottom line is, if your life or health isn’t where you would like it to be, then they didn’t send you out into life with the right tools in your box.

Me, well quite a few years ago, a psychologist told me that I have all the personality traits of an orphan. And, she was right. Dad left when I was 7. Mum was never there. Mum had been so mentally and physically abused and traumatised that she was emotionally numb, emotionally bankrupt with nothing left to give. For many years, I blamed her. I was angry at her. I wanted to shake her and wake her up. I knew it was in there, I knew she could feel it, but she just wouldn’t surrender to it. She loved me, I know that, but at the age of 80 when she went to her grave, I lost a mother who had never once uttered the words ‘I love you’ to this little girl. Not once.

Am I a victim? No. I was a victim. I am no longer a victim.

I don’t see my parents lack of parenting ability as a negative thing. Not anymore. I used to be full of anger and bitterness and hate. I am no longer that girl. I am this woman.

I was sent out into the world at a very young age with an empty toolbox. And, I am lucky. I am lucky because I’ve had to obtain my own tools. My only regret is that while I was trying new tools, the tools I was tossing aside landed in the toolboxes of my children. This is what happens. We take on the tools that our parents had. And they don’t always fit. They don’t always work.

In order to heal sickness and disease (or anything broken in our life) is your bank account leaking? Then your emotional bank account has a huge hole in it…

In order to heal, we have to throw out our toolbox. Just toss it out! The whole damn thing.

We have to find new tools. Get a new toolbox and fill it with what you need.

The first tool is this – Don’t blame your parents. It was not their fault. They were working with the tools in their box.

I’ll give you an example from a woman I worked with a long time ago. I was in my early 40’s and she was pushing 60 at the time. She was angry, bitter, miserable, divorced, broke both emotionally and financially, lived in a rented house with bad neighbours, sleeping with a dog an a cat and driving a car that was falling apart.

She said to me one day, “all I ever wanted was the dream. I don’t know how I ended up like this. All I ever wanted was a marriage like mum and dad’s.” Her parents were in their early 80’s and still as in love as they day they met. They had been married over 60 years. Happily married.

I was only thinking about her yesterday. She had told me about her wonderful childhood, how everything had been so perfect. “I grew up in Utopia” she would say. But the fact is that her parents had mistakenly hidden the dark side of life from their children in an effort to protect them. She had grown up thinking her childhood was normal and that everyone shared her view of the world.

She was angry that her parents had never argued in front of her. Not once. She said I’m sure they do, they just do it in private, still, at 80 something years old. She said, if she’d known that adults argue, she would have been able to have that marriage that she dreamed about.

Her toolbox was full of the ‘wrong’ tools. And she was not equipped for life. Her life was broken and she had no way of fixing it.

Her husband went off and had an affair, while she was giving birth to their youngest child. He left her for the other woman not long after that. Leaving her to raise 3 children on her own. When her children grew up they gravitated towards their father, fuelling her emotions, the emotional tools that had left her alone, bitter, broken and broke.

I haven’t seen her in over 10 years. And I often wonder how she’s doing or if she’s even still alive. She was a victim of passive trauma. Wrapped in cotton wool and lead to believe that the world is a safe and happy place. It’s only a safe and happy place – if you have the right tools…

My point here is, if you don’t have the right tools and you’re living your life as a victim, blaming other people for your life not turning out the way you planned, eventually that anger and bitterness will light a fire that will eventually burn down your house.

Cancer! Cancer is a big bloody fire. Autoimmunity, is also a fire. Cold’s and Flu – a fire!

Emotional and physical trauma, passive or aggressive it doesn’t matter, are equally as dangerous as each other.

The good news is! You can throw out your toolbox and get a new one. Seriously. Look at your life! You can’t carve a roast with a screwdriver can you? You can’t love with a broken heart either. You can’t share if your cup is empty. You can’t fix your life with the wrong tools.

You can do this. It’s going to be hard, challenging and extremely rewarding.

If you don’t things will keep breaking that you can’t fix. And other’s may try, but ultimately the choice is yours.

I’ve been gathering tools since 2010. I can’t tell you where I got them, but I can share them with you. You can try them and if they fit, if they work I’ll show you how to copy them so you can put them in your toolbox labelled LIFE.

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